Stuck on Repeat

It feels like I've been stuck on repeat for some time, but it goes to show that "you will be presented the same lesson until it is learned."

My Inner Critic has been at it again filling my head with critical judgements and I've been letting it. I’ve been falling for those old fears; those old patterned belief systems that say  "I can’t do it, I can’t handle it, I’ll let everyone down, I’ll never amount to anything, I might as well just quit" 

"If I want to help others get unstuck and create the life they want, I should be able to do it myself right?" "and since I can't it means I SUCK so I'd better stop trying"

My pattern is to give up, to stop trying, procrastinating and putting many things on hold, I've experienced a lack of focus, feelings of overwhelm, frustration, and anger. I've been overreacting to my husband, and yelling at my kids, things I swore I was done with. And meanwhile I've been using all these things against myself, like I'm gathering the evidence of these "failures" to prove my belief system. "You suck, you should stop trying"

Feeling like a victim of my own critical thoughts...

There was an illusion; That to acknowledge my fears that I'm not enough and I can't would make them real.

Moving through life without questioning those fears, is what lead to my behaviours, this victim mentality, that I am a victim of my own critical thoughts and I have no power to change them, the build up of anxiety, stress overwhelm, and showing up as outburst of anger or numbing the overwhelm. 

I have learned that I am powerful and I can take back control of my life from my fears. In order to do this I must get curious about my fears. Not judge them and try to banish them, but to sit with them, listen to and aknowledge them. Then question their "trueness".

No one can do it for me, I must be responsible to my fears. Being "able to respond" to my fears instead of being in resistance and reaction to my fears. 

The most exciting and freeing thing I've learned is that none of us have to break free of them alone. I must do the work but not without support and love and nurturing from others. 

Over the last few weeks and months I've reached out to friends and other energy workers and life coaches that I trust.  To help me see the illusion for what is was.

When I only see life through the eyes of my Inner Critic, I am blind to all the wonderful awesome things in my life and in myself, it keeps me in reaction and resistance to myself and every one around me. I am cut off from my Inner Wisdom. 

The Inner Wisdom is the part of us that only sees us in a loving, gentle, positive light.... That's the place that healing comes from.

Surrounding myself with others that see me this way is what helped jump-start that connection again. I remembered that, the way back to my Inner Wisdom is by facing my fears, laying them out letting them be heard. Doing this releases the pressure, the panic goes away and I make room for another perspective, the perspective of my own Inner Wisdom, one of clarity, a bigger picture, of Truth.

I acknowledge that avoiding my fear does not keep my dreams alive but only serves to further diminish them, by keeping me feeling small and insignificant I am unwilling to take action toward what I want to create.

  "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." (Wayne Gretzky)

Instead of seeing this as a failure I now see it as a lesson to be learned more fully, forgive myself and believe and trust in myself again.

I needed to be reminded that I already am the things I wish to be. I am loving, compassionate, fair, I am a healer, creating a sacred space for others so they can discover their own true beautiful selves that I have the ability to see, and I am making a difference in this world.

At the same time I am also human, with fears that can create illusions, I can show up as judgemental, quick tempered and cruel, I can get lost in wanting to please everyone and have everyone like me.

I am everything. I am beautifully, humanly flawed.

Experiencing the things we do not want in our life one really effective way we discover what it is we truly do want. 

I think that what makes us human :)

With so much love and gratitude to those of you who helped me through these past few months and to those of you who continue to return to this blog.

I am honored to share my journey with you!

((Big hugs))

Alanna
Reiki Practitioner, Speaker, Life Coach
www.shiftingperceptions.ca