Stuck on Repeat

It feels like I've been stuck on repeat for some time, but it goes to show that "you will be presented the same lesson until it is learned."

My Inner Critic has been at it again filling my head with critical judgements and I've been letting it. I’ve been falling for those old fears; those old patterned belief systems that say  "I can’t do it, I can’t handle it, I’ll let everyone down, I’ll never amount to anything, I might as well just quit" 

"If I want to help others get unstuck and create the life they want, I should be able to do it myself right?" "and since I can't it means I SUCK so I'd better stop trying"

My pattern is to give up, to stop trying, procrastinating and putting many things on hold, I've experienced a lack of focus, feelings of overwhelm, frustration, and anger. I've been overreacting to my husband, and yelling at my kids, things I swore I was done with. And meanwhile I've been using all these things against myself, like I'm gathering the evidence of these "failures" to prove my belief system. "You suck, you should stop trying"

Feeling like a victim of my own critical thoughts...

There was an illusion; That to acknowledge my fears that I'm not enough and I can't would make them real.

Moving through life without questioning those fears, is what lead to my behaviours, this victim mentality, that I am a victim of my own critical thoughts and I have no power to change them, the build up of anxiety, stress overwhelm, and showing up as outburst of anger or numbing the overwhelm. 

I have learned that I am powerful and I can take back control of my life from my fears. In order to do this I must get curious about my fears. Not judge them and try to banish them, but to sit with them, listen to and aknowledge them. Then question their "trueness".

No one can do it for me, I must be responsible to my fears. Being "able to respond" to my fears instead of being in resistance and reaction to my fears. 

The most exciting and freeing thing I've learned is that none of us have to break free of them alone. I must do the work but not without support and love and nurturing from others. 

Over the last few weeks and months I've reached out to friends and other energy workers and life coaches that I trust.  To help me see the illusion for what is was.

When I only see life through the eyes of my Inner Critic, I am blind to all the wonderful awesome things in my life and in myself, it keeps me in reaction and resistance to myself and every one around me. I am cut off from my Inner Wisdom. 

The Inner Wisdom is the part of us that only sees us in a loving, gentle, positive light.... That's the place that healing comes from.

Surrounding myself with others that see me this way is what helped jump-start that connection again. I remembered that, the way back to my Inner Wisdom is by facing my fears, laying them out letting them be heard. Doing this releases the pressure, the panic goes away and I make room for another perspective, the perspective of my own Inner Wisdom, one of clarity, a bigger picture, of Truth.

I acknowledge that avoiding my fear does not keep my dreams alive but only serves to further diminish them, by keeping me feeling small and insignificant I am unwilling to take action toward what I want to create.

  "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." (Wayne Gretzky)

Instead of seeing this as a failure I now see it as a lesson to be learned more fully, forgive myself and believe and trust in myself again.

I needed to be reminded that I already am the things I wish to be. I am loving, compassionate, fair, I am a healer, creating a sacred space for others so they can discover their own true beautiful selves that I have the ability to see, and I am making a difference in this world.

At the same time I am also human, with fears that can create illusions, I can show up as judgemental, quick tempered and cruel, I can get lost in wanting to please everyone and have everyone like me.

I am everything. I am beautifully, humanly flawed.

Experiencing the things we do not want in our life one really effective way we discover what it is we truly do want. 

I think that what makes us human :)

With so much love and gratitude to those of you who helped me through these past few months and to those of you who continue to return to this blog.

I am honored to share my journey with you!

((Big hugs))

Alanna
Reiki Practitioner, Speaker, Life Coach
www.shiftingperceptions.ca

A Broken Heart

This past April, I woke up from a dream where I was 11 years old again. I was with a couple of my best friends and we were running all over that wooden fort in the park across from my old house. I was in that 11 year old body again and I felt the feelings she felt once again. 

I got a flood of memories that took me back to 1992/93, my grade six year, and a sweet boy that I had an incredible crush on.

In grade 6 there was a new boy in town, Dustin Reilly, and he quickly became one of my best friends. All of the kids in Lanigan seemed to like Dustin, he fit in to our group of friends and we all thought he was so cool. I remember spending hours with him telling each other jokes, cussing, climbing trees, spinning crazy fast on the tire swing. And I was falling in love. Not only was he tall, handsome and mature but also funny, sweet, and wise. I don't know if he was book smart but he was life smart; he had a compassion and understanding that was beyond any boy my age and I was in heaven spending as much time with him as I could.

I realize I had been hiding these memories from myself for fear of having a broken heart.

During that time another one of my best friends, Trisha, also liked Dustin. I think I helped set them up. At this time in my life the thoughts I had about it was something like "Of course Trisha's the one who should be with him, she’s beautiful, smart, funny and the only other wise person my age, it's only right that these two should be together" It wasn’t jealousy or callous it was just how I thought life was. Though I loved her dearly, I didn't think I was anything like Trisha; she was amazing and I was nobody…right?

I realise now, how negative my self-perception was. I felt invisible and insignificant. I thought I was just a silly little tom-girl, with no wisdom, no coolness, with nothing of value to offer. And so to protect myself, I didn't allow my heart to break when Dustin and Trisha started "going out".

Then at the grade 6, 7 & 8 Dance I had a meltdown in the girl’s bathroom and I couldn't figure out why. Trisha came with me and helped me talk it through. I finally had to admit to her and to myself, that I really liked Dustin and that I wish I could be the one going out with him. So what did she do? Right away she went to Dustin and broke up with him. (Wow! Talk about a great friend) But, I didn't want her to break up with him for me; I don't really know what I wanted.

There were some HUGE emotions welling up in me and at the tender age of 11 I just didn't have a clue what they meant or what to do with them. Later in the night Dustin came over to me, he smiled at me and he told me that Trisha broke up with him because she thought I liked him, he asked me what I thought about that, and I made a big mistake, I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about I said something like "Really?! That's weird"

When the events that happen around us don’t line up with what we believe is possible in the world, our mind tends to make up something else. Trisha loved me and was letting me know that she would never let a boy get between our friendship, but I didn’t think I was worthy of that kind of friendship from her, so that is not what I thought happened.

The story my mind made up was something more like this:         

"What Trisha and Dustin did for me was pity, I deserve pity, I'm a poor silly little girl that doesn't deserve true love and respect but does deserve pity"  I did not believe I was worthy of anything else.

After that night I didn't spend as much time with Dustin, I felt embarrassed and awkward around him.  Then he moved away, I never let him know how I really felt about him and I never knew how he really felt about me. I never opened myself up for fear of a broken heart that I didn't think I could handle.

And now I realize it broke anyway, this past April as I woke from my dream and thought about this story, my heart broke and I cried for the 11 year old girl still inside of me. There was a wave of loss and regret for the missed opportunity to show up the way I really wanted to, to share my love and true friendship with both Trisha and Dustin. Then I had another wave of intense emotion; I felt an incredible sense of gratitude for the lesson these memories brought, and for the realisation of all of the love and respect that was there from these two incredible friends, that just couldn't see before.

This was an incredible gift because about 9 years later in 2002 we lost Trisha in a car accident just before her 20th birthday. I won't have the opportunity to tell her this story and the lessons I learned or how much I appreciated her and loved her. But somehow I know that she’s with me, and I believe she had something to do with bringing me the dream that brought these memories to the surface.

I see the lessons before me. I want to live my life knowing I deserve good things so that I can see them when they happen and allow my life to fill with gratitude and joy. Instead of creating some story about how I don’t deserve good things, overwhelming my life with shame, disconnection, and rejection. I thought I had to Do, Be, or Have more in order to deserve the good, but that was all a Big Fat Lie! All I have to do to deserve the good is believe that I deserve the good.

This pattern has given me everything I no longer want in my life, I want to release it but first I want to extend an apology. To Dustin, to Trisha, to me and to everyone that has touched my life. To those I love and those I was too afraid to even say hello to….I am so sorry for all of the times in my life that I was so busy believing I didn’t deserve it that I didn't stop and appreciate what you were giving me. I am sorry for the times I believed that I didn’t have anything of value to give, so I kept my love from you. I am so sorry.

Sometimes, I think the best thing someone can say to another person is..."Me too!" and so if any of this resonates with you, know you are not alone. :)

I’ve slowly come to realise, that I am an amazing person even with all of my flaws. I have an incredible capacity for love, compassion and for sharing my story. When I show up in my life being exactly who I am, that is the best gift I can give to those I love and those I serve. There have been times in my life that I have been able to just be myself without a worry about having to be more, many of those times were as a small child with one of my best friends, Trisha. This whole realisation just makes all of those moments even more special and fills my heart with so much gratitude. I wish I could have told her before...

I really do deserve love and belonging and so do you, we just have to decide to believe it.

With so much love,

Alanna
Reiki Practitioner, Serenity Life Coach
www.shiftingperceptions.ca
send me an email at shiftingperceptionsalanna@gmail.com

Is Happiness Hard?

In August I was sitting around a camp fire with some family having a conversation about happiness. Yes my family ROCKS:). My younger cousin said something that I have been thinking about ever since, what she said was that “happiness is hard” to which I replied “happiness is a choice.”

And I feel like I owe her an apology.

The reason I want to apologise is because my saying that may have implied that because I believe happiness is a choice it means it's not hard. And so I want to say to her "I’m sorry, you are right, happiness is hard"

Happiness and joy are some of the hardest things for us to feel and it’s what we are all searching for.  I do not believe there is one person in this world that is always happy in every moment, everything would just be the same all of the time no ups, no downs. So instead we seem to find fleeting moments of happiness and joy and spend the rest of the time searching for more of these moments... 

The reason happiness is hard is because we believe it is something that happens to us and not something we can create for ourselves. 

I think we need to learn to shift from feeling the victim of a life that only gives us a few moments of joy to feeling like we are capable of learning and adopting the tools that cultivate happiness and joy in our lives. 

I do believe happiness is a choice; it’s a conscious decision to create and cultivate more of what brings happiness in your life.

It's a PROCESS of learning how to live a wholehearted life (a life that cultivates joy and happiness).
Watch Brene Brown's video about Wholeheartedness

Just like learning to play a musical instrument is a process.

You can see an amazing guitar player and wish and hope and pray that you could play like that but those wishes and thoughts alone will NOT make you a guitar player. That is only the FIRST step. The NEXT step is to take action toward your goal… it’s when you decide to pick up a guitar and invest time and/or money into lessons.  The 3rd step is a commitment to practice, practice, practice, to create the space in your life to learn this new skill you so badly want. And WHEN you want to give up because it is HARD to learn a new skill and everyone comes to a point when it feels “too hard to keep going” when it feels like “maybe it’s not worth all the fuss.” Some of us will stop at this point believing it is worse to try and fail than to stop trying, give up, hide, or numb. (Here's where we can learn to cultivate the Courage to Dare Greatly.)

To keep moving forward the last step in this cyclical process is to PAUSE and REFLECT on your WHY...you remember how important it is for you to have this skill, you think about what it will cost you if you don’t gain this skill and then you think about what you will gain if you do.  You go back to the time when you could only pluck a few strings, and you see how far you’ve come and this shows you how capable you are to do this, you find a renewed sense of motivation and inspiration and you start again.

This is how bringing more happiness into my life has worked. I've learned that happiness is not a destination but a life skill, actually a whole set of life skills.

This is the the cyclical process that I will use as a Serenity Life Coach. To help people discover where they want to be and support them and guide them as they create a plan to develop the skills they are looking for. I create a safe place to pause and reflect when it gets hard and I help them remember their WHY so they can be inspired and ready to start again.
They move forward feeling empowered instead of feeling stuck and overwhelmed.

If you're like me you might like things in list form here's my Process:

1. Inspired and Motivated to Make a Change
2. Take action toward change, Invest time and/or Money toward learning a new skill
3. Commit to Practice, Create Space to Learn
4. It Get's Hard
5. Pause and Reflect, Remember Your Why
6. Start Again Inspired and Motivated.

***Notice "It Get's Hard" is part of the process, it is a very important signal for us to stop, to rest and to reflect.

Below is a List of the Life Skills that cultivate HAPPINESS in our lives created by Brené Brown.
 

In  her book Daring Greatly she lists 10 “guideposts” for Whole Hearted Living, that point to what wholehearted people work to cultivate in their lives and what they work to let go of in order to live a life that creates space for happiness and joy.

1. Cultivating Authenticity:  Letting Go of what People Think
2. Cultivation Self-compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism
3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
6. Cultivating Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison
7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting go of Exhaustion as a status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
8. Cultivating calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a lifestyle   
9. Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and “Supposed To"
10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and “Always in Control”

(Most days I'm great at 5 and 10 the rest I am getting better at everyday)
 

I am sharing this list because of all of the lists I have seen out there on “Habits of Happy people” or “10 things you need to do to be happy” This list is the most REAL to me, it is the one that I resonate with the most and the one that I go back to time and time again for inspiration and motivation STEP NUMBER ONE in my process….I hope it might be able to do that for you too.


 (If you like the list I would recommend picking up her book Daring Greatly- Brené Brown and watching her TED Talk video The Power of Vulnerability.)

Much Love,

Alanna

Serenity Life Coach, Reiki Practitioner, Speaker

Check out my website: www.shiftingperceptions.ca
Contact shiftingperceptionsalanna@gmail.com

What Are You Rushing?

We planted an apple tree this spring.

It's a small little baby tree right now but I know eventually it will grow and produce some delicious apples because that's what apple trees do!

We wanted the kids to be involved in the planting process because we imagine this tree will "grow up" with our kids.  Andrew helped us dig a hole and Jessica played with all of the rocks we pulled out of the ground making room for this little tree, and it has become Andrew's job to water the tree, which he takes very seriously. We told him about how one day this tree will grow apples that we can eat right off the tree, or we can pick them to make apple pies and crisps and our very own apple juice. He was very excited and couldn't wait for the apples to grow, we told him it might take a few years to produce apples and that right now we just have to make sure the tree gets plenty of water so it can be healthy.


The other day as we were backing out of our driveway headed to do some visiting, Andrew looks over and catches a glimpse of the tree in our front yard, and he says "C'mon tree grow grow grow!! I want to eat some apples", then he turns to me and says "Awe Mom, that apple tree is never gonna grow apples, ever!" Now he's only 3 & 1/2  and the concept of taking a few years for apples to produce is quite a difficult thing for him to understand, so I tried to think of a better way to explain it to him.

I told him that right now the tree is very busy doing something else under the ground. He was very surprised to hear this, he said "What is it doing under ground?" I explained that the very first thing a tree must do is grow roots, that grow wide and deep helping the tree suck up all the water and nutrients from the soil. I also told him that these roots help keep the tree stuck in place so that it would not blow away in the wind.  "Blow away!?" he said "Just like my kite blew up and over the neighbours house and we never saw it again?" He completely understood the concept how important is was for this tree to have strong roots so that our tree would not blow away like his kite had.

 I told him that right now if you want to encourage the tree to do something, tell it it grown strong roots that keep it healthy and stuck in the ground so it will never blow away.  Water the tree to be sure it has enough of what it needs to grow, and once our little tree has enough roots it will start to grow strong and tall and produce lots and lots of apples for years to come.

As I was explaining this to him I realised I needed to follow my own advice and the apple tree became a metaphor for something in my own life that I have been trying to rush.

As I begin this journey of building a business based around my passion and I think about this metaphor I see how often I rush myself and rush the process, I want to see the end result now. I have said just about the exact same thing Andrew said about the tree but about my business, "Oh this thing is never going to work, ever!"I want to see all of the people I will help, I want to see myself making enough money to help support my family. I get caught up in focusing on what I don't have yet, forgetting that I am exactly where I need to be to grow what I desire.

I have planted the tree (my desire to build a business around my passion), I need to allow time to nourish and grow my roots to spread out far and wide and deep so that this desire of a business will not blow over with the first big wind that comes my way.

For me what I imagine this nourishing and growing looks like is this:

• Continue doing the work in my own life that I want to share with the world.
• Put myself out there so I can see what the needs are for the people I want to help and how I can meet those needs.
• Make some goals and get clear with what I want so I can see the steps I need to take now to get there.
• Know that what I want is possible, encourage myself to keep going.
• Look for things that are getting in the way of my personal growth and expansion, to be able to move them.
• Focus on what I already have that is supporting me.
• Knowing that I have the time and space to grow in what ever way I need to.
• Enjoy the journey, take it one step at a time, see the beauty in every step, celebrate the little growths and forwards movements.

What is your apple tree? What is it that you want it to produce in your life that you have been rushing?

Today I want to remind you to take the time to witness that it's all there in your desire and what this desire needs now is to be nourished and encouraged and allowed the time to grow some roots so that it will not blow away with the first wind that comes along.

Let me know in the comments below what you have been rushing.

Much love to you,

Alanna
Reiki Practitioner, Speaker, Life Coach
www.shiftingperceptions.ca
send me an email at shiftingperceptionsalanna@gmail.com

What If ?

Why Did I Start This Blog?

Right now this blog is for my own clarity, for my own sanity. It’s for my heart to be heard and for my perceptions to be cleared of the harsh judgements I have for myself. Right now it’s about telling my story, in my own words in a way that feels true to me.  

Because my story is your story, and your story is my story.

I want to share with you more of my challenges because it helps me to see myself in a more accurate light, and I hope it will help you see yourself in this light as well.

 

What happens when I keep my secrets about all the things I’m ashamed to admit that I have done or said, is that everything I don’t say begins to cloud my self-perception and I feel like I am the sum of all of the things I’m ashamed of and I lose the truth of who I am.

 

This is my space to free myself from the Shame of feeling NEVER ENOUGH. Never good enough, smart enough, giving enough, present enough, happy enough,  wise enough, kind enough, open enough, intellectual enough, pretty enough, thin enough,  a good enough mom, a good enough wife, daughter, friend.

This shame makes me ANGRY. I am angry a lot. No no, not in public but in my house, with my kids and my husband, I am angry. I get overwhelmed and I yell…a lot. I am having a hard time figuring out the best way for me to make money and I beat myself up daily about the amount of time and money I spend trying to figure it out, and I really get down on myself for thinking I can start a business doing what I love.

What this creates in my day to day life is this growing pressure to figure my shit out NOW in order to be OK.  And by figure my shit out I mean:

1.       Make up my mind and either make a big thriving business out of my passion now or find a steady job.

2.       Keep the house tidy, laundry done, and get healthy home-made meals on the table every night,

3.       Get my 3 year old into 11 different sports, teach my 1 year old how to talk instead of cry

4.       and sign up for Zumba class to get back in shape

…To name a few

And if I don’t do all of the above, then I’ll be a failure, I’ll suck at life and everyone will know it and judge the crap outta me for it. I end up feeling completely overwhelmed by these expectations and I end up doing even less.  I get more and more confused about what to do for work, I leave the dishes to pile up, the laundry heaping, I order out to eat way more often than in, my kids cry more often, and I’m gaining weight.  I mean it, I eat WAY too much pizza. J

So, I end up creating even more of all that I have been shaming myself for.

 

I have been training and learning about this for 5 years now and I’m still in it, going back to my tools. I know about our imprints and childhood tapes and programs we’re running. I know that these programs run when we are on auto pilot. SO…. now I KNOW, I’m on auto pilot, I'm NOT present, I’m NOT using my techniques, and that makes me think that “I Suck…. Again!!”

But....

What if all of those things that I think make me suck, don’t actually make me suck?

What if my list of “things I must do in order to be ok” weren’t actually necessary in order for me to be OK? 

What if all of the things that I’m feeling and thinking are just normal and make me human and perfectly OK?

What if it’s OK to be uncomfortable sometimes?

Wow…. What if?

If I thought it was OK to feel overwhelmed and to be on autopilot sometimes, then I would probably stop beating myself up for feeling overwhelmed and being on autopilot.

So what ELSE could I do in the moments I realise I'm overwhelmed because I’m on autopilot?

Big “Aha” moment for me…What is the opposite of autopilot??  

Being Present, being grounded and connected….How do I do that??

I take a deep breath, I go outside in my bare feet and get grounded, I listen to music and I dance, or I pause and get present. In the present I can see the truth. I am OK and everyone I love is OK…. 

I’m allowed to be imperfect and not know all the answers right now, I’m allowed to be uncomfortable. I even write myself a permission slip.

“I hereby declare that Alanna, Me, Myself and I have the whole hearted right to be upset, angry and uncomfortable”

Ahhhhhh, that’s better J

Now what do I think about all of my worries and fears? Not as important as my truths...

I know that I am supported, loved and surrounded by people who want me to be happy and to be successful doing what I love.

I am a living example for my kids of how to find the courage to follow your heart.

Allowing myself to be imperfect gives the people in my life permission to be imperfect as well.

 Mistakes, imperfections, and short comings have no impact what so ever on worthiness of love and happiness.

  I create my future with what I do now.

Getting angry at myself for being upset is like getting angry at the mirror for making me frown, it is just a reflection of something deeper going on inside of me, if I want the reflection to smile, I must smile first, compassion and love are what I need instead….

Much love and so much gratitude to all of my coaches and teachers,

Especially my sister Amy Chalmers - Cosmetic Dermal Therapist and Integrative Health Coach for Natural Skin Solutions    Thank you for sharing your gifts with me and being on my team!

Alanna Banana

www.shiftingperceptions.ca

Let Your Love Flow

So I discovered a way to let my LOVE flow in moments when I don't feel so loving...

A few months back, I was standing in my kitchen it was about 8:30pm, Jessica (my 1 year old) was awake because she had a late nap. I was trying to feed her a snack and keep her happy in her chair, and this was the end of a long day, it felt like nothing was going right for me that day.

  I had all this negative energy in me while I'm trying to prepare this snack, she’s crying like crazy in her chair because she’s now starving since she slept through supper. So on top of having a shitty day I was feeling like a shitty mom.

My Inner Critic was whirling negative thoughts at me like:
“Why did I let her sleep so late?  Why does she cry so much? What the hell is wrong with me?” 

When she finally had something to eat and finally stopped crying, she was sitting in her highchair looking so cute and a song came on the radio - Let your Love flow by The Bellamy Brothers. I melted at her cuteness and I started dancing to the music in my kitchen.  Jessie loves it when I dance; she was smiling and started bopping to the music in her chair like she often does.  I kept dancing and singing and I noticed how awesome it was that I could make her so happy just by being so silly.

I realized that’s the key!

Stop focusing so much on what I think I suck at and focus on what I am awesome at.

 After dancing and singing to a few more songs I got a memory flash back to when I was in grade 6. I had just done one of my silly presentations at the front of Mr. Hubert’s class to entertain myself and the class, it was the one where I put my glasses on my hand and make my hand like a puppet and give it a funny voice and just basically be silly for 5 minutes. After class a friend came up to me and asked if I could do one of my skits for his friends at lunch time. His friends meaning the grade 7's OMG! The kids that were one WHOLE year older than me, and I got full of fear and I don't think I did the skit for them. Ever since then I remember being acutely aware that people might notice me and they could judge me and possibly think I suck. That scared the crap outta me. I did not believe that older kids would see me as anything other than a silly little girl with a stupid skit....

Since then I kept myself from showing too much of my silliness around people that I perceived might judge or make fun of me. I limited the risk of being judged/criticised/ridiculed, this cost me confidence in my ability to bring joy to others. That it was limited to the people I knew and trusted. I did not stretch outside my comfort zone and in turn created neural pathways in my brain that lead to me feeling threatened when I am vulnerable and show my true self to those I don't know.

  We can create new neural pathways in the brain just by focusing on the good. By taking a deep breath, or doing a little kitchen dance and remembering, thinking about, or focusing on all of the times in life when just being ourselves was all that was needed to do to make a positive impact in someone else’s life.

This does not fix all of the problems in our lives or in the world, nor does it prevent other from judging and criticising. What it does is free the mind to shift focus to all of the other things in this world that ROCK! All of the amazing, miraculous, beautiful, funny, silly, IMPORTANT things that remind us how precious this life is and makes us feel grateful for being alive.

  Whatever you focus on grows, meaning you can see more and more of whatever you put your focus on, whether it's how much you suck, or what an awesome dancer you are! I mean you should see the moves this Momma has! lol

   So I  will continue to be grateful for this life I have and the beautiful people in it from the little ones to the elder ones and all that are in between. And will put myself out there, I will SHOW UP, I will share my love, my gifts, my silliness, my advice, my words that ooze sappiness and lovey-doveyness, I will because it's me.

And I encourage you to be you too, if what you are offering is not received well, that's not about you that’s about the other person. (Sometimes the hardest reflections to see are the ones that let us see ourselves in a loving, compassionate light, but that doesn’t mean we have to keep our lights dim to avoid making others uncomfortable.)

When we focus on love and shining our light, that's what grows in our heart and in our lives making this world more full of love and light.

Here's to letting your love flow!!

Much Love,
Alanna Banana

Do you ever get stuck feeling like a horrible person and can't seem to shake it? What's your best advice for all the people out ther struggling with the same thing?

Check out my website
Shifting Perceptions.ca
Leave a comment below telling me what you think or drop me a line shiftingperceptionsalanna@gmail.com

What Do You Do?

  I came across this You Tube video called How to Find Your Life Purpose in 5 minutes or less, and guess what? I found my life purpose in less than five minutes!

As I watched this video and the guy started asking his 5 questions:
1. Who are you?
2. What do you do?
3. Who do you do it for?
4. What do those people want or need?
5. What do those people get out of it or how do they change as a result?

  My answers came to me so fast, so easily, effortlessly, and I was so excited! I thought OMG I've been trying to narrow this down to only a few paragraphs for years and I just couldn't make it fit all nice and short and sweet and then, voila, there it was in front of me in the pages of my journal.

Who am I?
Alanna

What do I do?

 I share my personal story of finding and owning my own power and teach the tools I used to help me find it.
I give talks to groups of like-minded women or health care workers, I sit one on one with women giving them personalised guidance to let them listen to their own hearts, and I share my journey and personal story on line.
Who do I do it for?

People who like myself are searching for meaning and something greater in their lives and are looking for some tools to apply in their own lives to feel empowered instead of overwhelmed.

What is the change they see as a result?

 They go out into the world and make a powerfully positive impact in the lives of those they love, care for and serve.
 

I got so excited, I shared my new found purpose with my husband, my closest friends, my family, and then...

I had a melt down. This melt down made me feel very vulnerable and exposed and after reading Brené Brown's book Daring Greatly I realised it was a vulnerability hang over.(she talks about her vulnerability hangover on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday)

It's what happens when you open your heart and share something very intimate and personal with people, and you care about their reaction and you wonder if you should have shared or not. Then your Inner Critic (or Inner Mean Girl as one course I took called it) creeps into your head and fills it up with all kinds of scary thoughts like:

"Did you really just say that to them? They are going to think you are a freak!"
and
"You silly little girl who do you think you are!?"

  I started to get full of anxiety and my sense of excitement that I had right after I found my purpose was shaken down to worry, anxiety, and overwhelm. And I realised then, why it had taken me so long to discover my purpose and to get it down to a nice simple paragraph, my Inner Critic was SO AFRAID!!! This Inner Voice inside me that thinks I'm nobody special. I have had this very deep seated fear that I am not special, I do not make a difference, and I don't have what it takes to do the things that could make a difference.
 
  It was a bit of a breakdown spiritual awakening :). After receiving the feedback from my friends and family (who were all supportive and excited for me) then I asked for more reassurance and received some excellent advice from my brother, finally I started to settle down and settle into having a conversation with my Inner Critic. I did this because after 5 years on this journey of personal growth, I know the most direct route to the other side of fear, pain and discomfort is to go right to the source.

  Our Inner Critics voice likes to play tapes over and over in our subconscious that remain on a loop until we shine a light of awareness on it. These thoughts come from the place of our deepest and innermost fears, they are usually started in us as children and we carry them with us unknowingly into adulthood, having these negative thought patterns is what causes us all of the pain, stress, and discomfort in our lives. Anytime you are feeling shitty about yourself, I guarantee you it's because of an Inner Critic's Tape. The interesting part is that this voice is actually there trying to protect us, it is trying to keep us away from heartbreak, hurt and judgement, the problem is it usually causes more damage than it saves.

So I sat down with my trusty journal and asked my Critic a question...What are you really afraid of? and the answers sounded like this:

Think of all the expectations that will be on you if you admit that this is your purpose, now you'll have to do something to try to be special and we both know you ain't special sweet cheeks. You don't work hard enough, you are too spiritual and "woo hoo" out there, you are not an intellectual, you won't be respected and they're gonna laugh at you.
AND
Even if you do start showing up in your life fully, vulnerably, authentically and powerfully you're going to scare everyone away because sure maybe at some level, you're ready to shift but you'll be alone while you do it. If you step into your power you will stand out, be special be different from everyone else, you'll either intimidate or alienate those you love.

I've recently discovered the source of this pattern (that I may share in a future blog) swinging from one extreme to the next. I'm either LESS THAN or BETTER THAN the other people in my life and I have a hard time staying in the space of EQUAL to. Inner Mean Girl Reform School calls that a comparison queen archetype. It's a pattern I see now, I recognise it as one of the most damaging and destructive thought patterns I have (so far). This has kept me from loving fully, being the kind of person I want to be.

Once I spent the time and had the patience to listen to my deepest fears, my critic started to settle down and I was able to access my Inner Wisdom, the part of me that only speaks from a place of love, compassion and understanding. I asked "What is the truth?"and my answer was this:
I am not protecting myself from disconnection, hurt, and heartbreak by staying small and unseen, I am actually creating a disconnection from my true self which in turn, negatively affects every relationship I have.
Choosing to stand in my power and trust that who I am and what I bring to the world is important will be a reflection to others of what is also possible within them. It does not guarantee that others will follow me, it won't protect me from judgement and criticism, but I will know that I am living a life in line with my values.
I am an amazing person, I have an incredible capacity for love and compassion and when I show up in my life being exactly who I am, that is the best gift I can give to those I love, and those I serve and that is true for everyone.

This whole process has been a practise I continue to develop and grow that started five years ago. I attending the Choices Seminars, several on-line courses like IMG Reform School, read books, watched many TED talks and YouTubeVideos, applied EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), meditations, and hypnosis. What I've found is that all of the tools are similar or overlap and work so well together. I continue to search for and try new tools to find what works for me and what doesn't. I encourage you to do the same, to keep searching to keep looking for something that resonates with you and works for you.This journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and self-love is not for the faint of heart. It can be excruciating at times but know this, you are not alone.

I will continue this journey on-line and I hope to write something on a regular basis to share with you the tools I have gained, the resources I use and to show you that this is a daily choice I make. Perfection is not what counts in this journey of self-love, but to accept and embrace the flaws, the mistakes and the messiness, because that is where all of our lessons lie.

I hope you can watch this video and find out your life purpose. But don't worry if those questions seem like too much, because if you're anything like me, it takes time to find those answers, and a lot of courage to acknowledge what's keeping us from living our purpose. If you can answer them that's amazing and incredible and I am so proud of you! and if you have a break down afterwards, tell me about it! lol I want to know I'm not alone either :)
 
Check out my new website shiftingperceptions.ca
Email me at shiftingperceptionsalanna@gmail.com
Find me on Facebook - Alanna Bergquist, Humboldt Saskatchewan

With love and so much gratitude,
Alanna