A Broken Heart

This past April, I woke up from a dream where I was 11 years old again. I was with a couple of my best friends and we were running all over that wooden fort in the park across from my old house. I was in that 11 year old body again and I felt the feelings she felt once again. 

I got a flood of memories that took me back to 1992/93, my grade six year, and a sweet boy that I had an incredible crush on.

In grade 6 there was a new boy in town, Dustin Reilly, and he quickly became one of my best friends. All of the kids in Lanigan seemed to like Dustin, he fit in to our group of friends and we all thought he was so cool. I remember spending hours with him telling each other jokes, cussing, climbing trees, spinning crazy fast on the tire swing. And I was falling in love. Not only was he tall, handsome and mature but also funny, sweet, and wise. I don't know if he was book smart but he was life smart; he had a compassion and understanding that was beyond any boy my age and I was in heaven spending as much time with him as I could.

I realize I had been hiding these memories from myself for fear of having a broken heart.

During that time another one of my best friends, Trisha, also liked Dustin. I think I helped set them up. At this time in my life the thoughts I had about it was something like "Of course Trisha's the one who should be with him, she’s beautiful, smart, funny and the only other wise person my age, it's only right that these two should be together" It wasn’t jealousy or callous it was just how I thought life was. Though I loved her dearly, I didn't think I was anything like Trisha; she was amazing and I was nobody…right?

I realise now, how negative my self-perception was. I felt invisible and insignificant. I thought I was just a silly little tom-girl, with no wisdom, no coolness, with nothing of value to offer. And so to protect myself, I didn't allow my heart to break when Dustin and Trisha started "going out".

Then at the grade 6, 7 & 8 Dance I had a meltdown in the girl’s bathroom and I couldn't figure out why. Trisha came with me and helped me talk it through. I finally had to admit to her and to myself, that I really liked Dustin and that I wish I could be the one going out with him. So what did she do? Right away she went to Dustin and broke up with him. (Wow! Talk about a great friend) But, I didn't want her to break up with him for me; I don't really know what I wanted.

There were some HUGE emotions welling up in me and at the tender age of 11 I just didn't have a clue what they meant or what to do with them. Later in the night Dustin came over to me, he smiled at me and he told me that Trisha broke up with him because she thought I liked him, he asked me what I thought about that, and I made a big mistake, I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about I said something like "Really?! That's weird"

When the events that happen around us don’t line up with what we believe is possible in the world, our mind tends to make up something else. Trisha loved me and was letting me know that she would never let a boy get between our friendship, but I didn’t think I was worthy of that kind of friendship from her, so that is not what I thought happened.

The story my mind made up was something more like this:         

"What Trisha and Dustin did for me was pity, I deserve pity, I'm a poor silly little girl that doesn't deserve true love and respect but does deserve pity"  I did not believe I was worthy of anything else.

After that night I didn't spend as much time with Dustin, I felt embarrassed and awkward around him.  Then he moved away, I never let him know how I really felt about him and I never knew how he really felt about me. I never opened myself up for fear of a broken heart that I didn't think I could handle.

And now I realize it broke anyway, this past April as I woke from my dream and thought about this story, my heart broke and I cried for the 11 year old girl still inside of me. There was a wave of loss and regret for the missed opportunity to show up the way I really wanted to, to share my love and true friendship with both Trisha and Dustin. Then I had another wave of intense emotion; I felt an incredible sense of gratitude for the lesson these memories brought, and for the realisation of all of the love and respect that was there from these two incredible friends, that just couldn't see before.

This was an incredible gift because about 9 years later in 2002 we lost Trisha in a car accident just before her 20th birthday. I won't have the opportunity to tell her this story and the lessons I learned or how much I appreciated her and loved her. But somehow I know that she’s with me, and I believe she had something to do with bringing me the dream that brought these memories to the surface.

I see the lessons before me. I want to live my life knowing I deserve good things so that I can see them when they happen and allow my life to fill with gratitude and joy. Instead of creating some story about how I don’t deserve good things, overwhelming my life with shame, disconnection, and rejection. I thought I had to Do, Be, or Have more in order to deserve the good, but that was all a Big Fat Lie! All I have to do to deserve the good is believe that I deserve the good.

This pattern has given me everything I no longer want in my life, I want to release it but first I want to extend an apology. To Dustin, to Trisha, to me and to everyone that has touched my life. To those I love and those I was too afraid to even say hello to….I am so sorry for all of the times in my life that I was so busy believing I didn’t deserve it that I didn't stop and appreciate what you were giving me. I am sorry for the times I believed that I didn’t have anything of value to give, so I kept my love from you. I am so sorry.

Sometimes, I think the best thing someone can say to another person is..."Me too!" and so if any of this resonates with you, know you are not alone. :)

I’ve slowly come to realise, that I am an amazing person even with all of my flaws. I have an incredible capacity for love, compassion and for sharing my story. When I show up in my life being exactly who I am, that is the best gift I can give to those I love and those I serve. There have been times in my life that I have been able to just be myself without a worry about having to be more, many of those times were as a small child with one of my best friends, Trisha. This whole realisation just makes all of those moments even more special and fills my heart with so much gratitude. I wish I could have told her before...

I really do deserve love and belonging and so do you, we just have to decide to believe it.

With so much love,

Alanna
Reiki Practitioner, Serenity Life Coach
www.shiftingperceptions.ca
send me an email at shiftingperceptionsalanna@gmail.com