What If ?

Why Did I Start This Blog?

Right now this blog is for my own clarity, for my own sanity. It’s for my heart to be heard and for my perceptions to be cleared of the harsh judgements I have for myself. Right now it’s about telling my story, in my own words in a way that feels true to me.  

Because my story is your story, and your story is my story.

I want to share with you more of my challenges because it helps me to see myself in a more accurate light, and I hope it will help you see yourself in this light as well.

 

What happens when I keep my secrets about all the things I’m ashamed to admit that I have done or said, is that everything I don’t say begins to cloud my self-perception and I feel like I am the sum of all of the things I’m ashamed of and I lose the truth of who I am.

 

This is my space to free myself from the Shame of feeling NEVER ENOUGH. Never good enough, smart enough, giving enough, present enough, happy enough,  wise enough, kind enough, open enough, intellectual enough, pretty enough, thin enough,  a good enough mom, a good enough wife, daughter, friend.

This shame makes me ANGRY. I am angry a lot. No no, not in public but in my house, with my kids and my husband, I am angry. I get overwhelmed and I yell…a lot. I am having a hard time figuring out the best way for me to make money and I beat myself up daily about the amount of time and money I spend trying to figure it out, and I really get down on myself for thinking I can start a business doing what I love.

What this creates in my day to day life is this growing pressure to figure my shit out NOW in order to be OK.  And by figure my shit out I mean:

1.       Make up my mind and either make a big thriving business out of my passion now or find a steady job.

2.       Keep the house tidy, laundry done, and get healthy home-made meals on the table every night,

3.       Get my 3 year old into 11 different sports, teach my 1 year old how to talk instead of cry

4.       and sign up for Zumba class to get back in shape

…To name a few

And if I don’t do all of the above, then I’ll be a failure, I’ll suck at life and everyone will know it and judge the crap outta me for it. I end up feeling completely overwhelmed by these expectations and I end up doing even less.  I get more and more confused about what to do for work, I leave the dishes to pile up, the laundry heaping, I order out to eat way more often than in, my kids cry more often, and I’m gaining weight.  I mean it, I eat WAY too much pizza. J

So, I end up creating even more of all that I have been shaming myself for.

 

I have been training and learning about this for 5 years now and I’m still in it, going back to my tools. I know about our imprints and childhood tapes and programs we’re running. I know that these programs run when we are on auto pilot. SO…. now I KNOW, I’m on auto pilot, I'm NOT present, I’m NOT using my techniques, and that makes me think that “I Suck…. Again!!”

But....

What if all of those things that I think make me suck, don’t actually make me suck?

What if my list of “things I must do in order to be ok” weren’t actually necessary in order for me to be OK? 

What if all of the things that I’m feeling and thinking are just normal and make me human and perfectly OK?

What if it’s OK to be uncomfortable sometimes?

Wow…. What if?

If I thought it was OK to feel overwhelmed and to be on autopilot sometimes, then I would probably stop beating myself up for feeling overwhelmed and being on autopilot.

So what ELSE could I do in the moments I realise I'm overwhelmed because I’m on autopilot?

Big “Aha” moment for me…What is the opposite of autopilot??  

Being Present, being grounded and connected….How do I do that??

I take a deep breath, I go outside in my bare feet and get grounded, I listen to music and I dance, or I pause and get present. In the present I can see the truth. I am OK and everyone I love is OK…. 

I’m allowed to be imperfect and not know all the answers right now, I’m allowed to be uncomfortable. I even write myself a permission slip.

“I hereby declare that Alanna, Me, Myself and I have the whole hearted right to be upset, angry and uncomfortable”

Ahhhhhh, that’s better J

Now what do I think about all of my worries and fears? Not as important as my truths...

I know that I am supported, loved and surrounded by people who want me to be happy and to be successful doing what I love.

I am a living example for my kids of how to find the courage to follow your heart.

Allowing myself to be imperfect gives the people in my life permission to be imperfect as well.

 Mistakes, imperfections, and short comings have no impact what so ever on worthiness of love and happiness.

  I create my future with what I do now.

Getting angry at myself for being upset is like getting angry at the mirror for making me frown, it is just a reflection of something deeper going on inside of me, if I want the reflection to smile, I must smile first, compassion and love are what I need instead….

Much love and so much gratitude to all of my coaches and teachers,

Especially my sister Amy Chalmers - Cosmetic Dermal Therapist and Integrative Health Coach for Natural Skin Solutions    Thank you for sharing your gifts with me and being on my team!

Alanna Banana

www.shiftingperceptions.ca